March 1

I saw my mom this weekend.  It was weird, we all acted like everything was fine, except talking a little bit about what was going on and making the obvious jokes about cancer.  I found myself unable to stop looking at my mother's breasts.  She was wearing this aqua shirt, it was not like there was a big flag on one of them that said, "hey! ticking time bomb here!"  I mean , you would think that there should be.

My mom cried when I left.  I told her I was certain it was a lipoma and the doctor was wrong.  She just gave me a look.

I made it to the car and out of the driveway before I cried.

I didn't come right home last night.  I stopped to spend some time with some friends and their baby girl.  It was good, because no matter what is happening, life doesn't stand still.

My dad called me this morning about 9:00 am to tell me that they did the ultrasound already.  They found a second spot and aparently again the phrase it doesn't look good was again uttered.

This is so different with Dad calling being the giver of the information.  I mean, when he got sick, it was my mom, telling us about what the doctor said, trying not to cry.  My dad gave me the facts and then scolded me for not immediately answering the phone when he called.

There is an appointment with the surgeon at 3 pm today.  Everything is moving so fast.  Is it because it looks that bad? Is it because everyone at the hospital knows my mom and is pulling strings?  Is is just a light day? 

So I talked to a friend of mine because I feel guilty for caring on like normal today.  I mean I've been cleaning like Marta Stewart herself is coming to visit, checking the internet for any kind of exciting communication, eating cheese, watching my "stories", making plans for fun things. She reassured me that this was ok.  I feel like it shouldn't be but what else is there today.  I feel like until the surgeon gets in there and we see the actual cancer cells, we don't know what we are up against.  Until there is PET scan, we don't know if there anymore cancer.  Either way, life goes on , right?